rangergirl13

robot life?

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 05:48:23 GMT

It's still cold out but not as bad as last night. I met a very cool nurse practitioner from Boise who works at a free clinic there. She's their OB/GYN specialist who goes to Ecuador to do relief work there as well. She's my new tentmate but i was alone last night which was kind of surprising. We went over to the convergence space in New Orleans this evening and there are about 100 volunteers right now who are cleaning and rebuilding houses in the lower 9th. When we walked in there was a theater group called playback theater and they were really great. A volunteer would get up to tell a story about how their day went and they turned the story into art. It was very releasing-the emotions that people are feeling now are the same ones i felt the first time around. I still feel the rage and the anger and the sorrow but not nearly as intense as before. The clinic could use something like that-we put in 14 hour days in the clinic because we have to see patients and then do all the administrative shit that has to happen to have a functioning clinic.

Parts of the lower 9th still don't have power from Sunday and evacuees are expected back into the city either tomorrow or on Thanksgiving. I was in the mess tent where they were trying to break down the tent around me (hey, i needed to log on) . I started talking with some of the people working and they tell me evacuees are now coming into the tent city. Can you believe this shit? This will be the first time the tent city will have actual evacuees in it. it's been mostly rescue workers, first responders, Common ground freaks, and cops. We are actually guests of the water and sewer department. So, tomorrow i will have to move everything and my safe quiet haven will be no more.

I was listening to Mercy earlier today and i realized that i was comfortable enough to listen to music. When i got back the first time, I went through a period of deep grief and I couldn't listen to anything because I didn't want to associate that music with this time in my life. But now, i feel a little better and there's a plan for when i get back to Dallas to do some work. Most of my work can and should be done from outside the clinic because i can't work on any administrative issues in the clinic. I get pulled about a million different directions. We see 100 patients now a day and that's a lot. With the evacuees a few blocks away from us in the next few days and the free script program ending on Friday. Happy fucking thanksgiving to hurricane victims. We are going to be extremely overloaded -there are only 5 clinics open right now. That's it for a whole entire city. What the providers here are saying over and over again is the fact that is nothing new, they all come from the same background. This merely highlights the ongoing and current crisis in health care that was LONG before the hurricane. We're only seeing this on a large scale basis for the first time in a concentrated area but this goes on day after day all over this country. How is the land of plenty can't even take care of its own people? It's truly obscene.

The clinic needs to work more with the collective. We have the perfect opportunity to educate health care providers now and mostly with the med students who come through here. We need to let them know that free time isn't just for disasters but locally, people can do so much more with their own free clinic. I have really been able to be a pharmacist here.

We need to do more things to release here. The convergent space has creative outlets in the evening time. i think that's necessary with clinic staff as well even if we do a debriefing for 10 minutes. It helps to clear our minds to relax some for the evening. We had an early morning meeting and it was pretty difficult just because we knew we'd be there until late tonight.

saw the cars and the houses with the water line easily 12-15 feet. the cars are completely covered with mud and dust. I still haven't gone out yet into the actual neighborhoods during the day. I am locked away doing my work. I may take some time on Saturday to help out since we'll have another pharmacist and Jeff will be in at that time.

respirator p95, n95
electric lanterns (battery operated)
1 1/2 inch nails
flashlight
camera
film

One of the projects Common Ground is working on is rebuilding a community center. CG builds it and gives it back to the community. They are also building community gardens and we're getting ready to buy a permanent building for the clinic. It's all very exciting-it's anarchy at its best. I have always said that i have seen the future and was terrified but this is also the future- the good the hopeful. I think the volunteers down here are so thrilled to be here because it gives us a break from our normal bullshit lives in the system. This is a way to escape it and to be almost free. I finally understand the idea of live free or die-i really get it. A life worth living is so much. I think the volunteers are thankful that they can be a part of this rebuilding, this part of feeling significant when everyday we have to live our lives out in a normal 9-5 fashion where we don't contribute one single bit of significance to society. It sucks that a hurricane has to bring this out in us but it makes you wonder what things could really be like if we could break free of this system or machine. What if we didn't have to be drones for the hive? Where could we be today?

I'll be sad to leave this extraordinary place but I need to be more centered. We can't abandon our way of life just yet but we can certainly start paring down. I am thankful that I am not held down my material items (with the one bad exception of U2 items) that I can't carry around with me. Nothing seems that important- maybe it really is time to get rid of even more stuff. Clothes, books, etc.

ASK about a library for Common Ground.

Why do i do this? because it feels good-it feels rewarding to help other people, to help other people get their own voice back, power to the powerless, to be an advocate for others in whatever way makes sense. I pity those who don't have the compassion or empathy to feel tragedy and injustice. It dehumanizes them and reduces them to mindless automatons to be so wrapped up in their ridiculous lives- a life worth living or being a robot. I don't know what the answer is but i know i won't be a robot any longer.

back in New Orleans

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 05:47:09 GMT

I am freezing my ass off in New Orleans in the FEMA mess tent but at least it stopped raining this morning. It's a bit surreal-cops, custom agents, military police are coming and going. It smells like rotting fish as there's some sort of seafood nasty meal going on. I had to walk 6 blocks alone in the dark in what is considered a fairly dangerous neighborhood prior to Katrina-tonight-its still a ghost town. There's more cars than last month but not much more. At least it doesn't smell like dead people anymore. Well, the ninth ward still smells and there are blocks without power still to this day. Packs of dogs roam the streets, starved and searching for food. It won't be long before they become vicious if they aren't caught. The Edge was just here a few days before me working with some local musicians. This is not the New Orleans that i knew and loved.

I realize that my previous posts had all sort of errors but its not because i am illiterate-its because its friggin cold here. My hands are almost frozen. This tent is not heated but i am "borrowing" someone's network (hopefully not FEMA).

I am watching Cecy's documentary and I am thinking about what she said about being politically active. I don't know any activist that is an activist because of a band but we are certainly more prone to it. Why am I in New Orleans instead of NYC tonight? Is it because the music has always demanded that I be the best possible person I can be? Is it because Bono spoke to me when i was a child through Sunday Bloody Sunday or Like a song? Is it that image of the white flag that has stayed with me as a permanent part of my subconscious? The fact that I was introduced to Amnesty by U2 which lead me to the truth about torture and the horrible things people do to each other in the name of national security, religion, culture, money, power, etc. U2 pushes us to open our hearts and minds to the possibility that there are others who suffer even though you may not have been aware. They've been doing it since the beginning-i think of those prisoners of conscience whom were released because we are motivated to write simple letters to governments to let them know we were watching. I am pretty sure that I would have always been progressive but I know that U2 got me started and at an early age.

I have a sticker on my laptop that says resist despair. I think that the music says that in volume-the hope for a better future for all.

Maybe this doesn't make any sense. My brain is so cold right now. I am freezing my ass off in New Orleans in the FEMA mess tent but at least it stopped raining this morning. It's a bit surreal-cops, custom agents, military police are coming and going. It smells like rotting fish as there's some sort of seafood nasty meal going on. I had to walk 6 blocks alone in the dark in what is considered a fairly dangerous neighborhood prior to Katrina-tonight-its still a ghost town. There's more cars than last month but not much more. At least it doesn't smell like dead people anymore. Well, the ninth ward still smells and there are blocks without power still to this day. Packs of dogs roam the streets, starved and searching for food. It won't be long before they become vicious if they aren't caught. The Edge was just here a few days before me working with some local musicians. This is not the New Orleans that i knew and loved.

I realize that my previous posts had all sort of errors but its not because i am illiterate-its because its friggin cold here. My hands are almost frozen. This tent is not heated but i am "borrowing" someone's network (hopefully not FEMA).

I am watching Cecy's documentary and I am thinking about what she said about being politically active. I don't know any activist that is an activist because of a band but we are certainly more prone to it. Why am I in New Orleans instead of NYC tonight? Is it because the music has always demanded that I be the best possible person I can be? Is it because Bono spoke to me when i was a child through Sunday Bloody Sunday or Like a song? Is it that image of the white flag that has stayed with me as a permanent part of my subconscious? The fact that I was introduced to Amnesty by U2 which lead me to the truth about torture and the horrible things people do to each other in the name of national security, religion, culture, money, power, etc. U2 pushes us to open our hearts and minds to the possibility that there are others who suffer even though you may not have been aware. They've been doing it since the beginning-i think of those prisoners of conscience whom were released because we are motivated to write simple letters to governments to let them know we were watching. I am pretty sure that I would have always been progressive but I know that U2 got me started and at an early age.

I have a sticker on my laptop that says resist despair. I think that the music says that in volume-the hope for a better future for all.

Maybe this doesn't make any sense. My brain is so cold right now.

You'd think after 35 years I'd learn to stop procrastinating

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 12:08:30 GMT

It's almost 7am and I am STILL not finished packing. I just looked up and realized that today is my birthday and that I am now seriously deep into my mid-30's. I guess the identity crisis will come later because right now I am too focused on getting everything done before we head out to London.

I haven't quite figured out what the hell to pack so this is making the process a bit more difficult than I anticipated. At least I have managed to get all the paperwork and official shit that has to go with us. I have also managed to become Bono's personal Dallas courier service with people giving me letters to give to him if I can find him while on my trip. The letters are quite touching (and I was given permission to read them) and one is an excellent proposal to help stop the transmission of HIV from mother to newborn. It's worth looking into and I am pretty sure some other people besides myself would be interested. However, my own letter to Bono will not be in the mailbag since I have lost my mac to some mysterious power surge and I had no back ups. I suppose that means I will have to tell him in person what I need to say which will make it all the more difficult. Now, this is of course, dependent whether or not I can meet him and then if he will give me 5 minutes of his time.

I had my opportunity in Chicago but I was so incredibly shocked and surprised by the way he treated me I couldn't say what I needed to say. I also think that the fans around me would have lynched me anyway given the political climate in this country now. Even our Senators are not able to debate intelligently on the issues without walking out on Senate hearings-how would we expect the general public to discuss issues in a civilized manner? The problem with Americans is we can't deal with confrontation or debate, we are passive aggressive (especially in the South) so we do things in a roundabout way so an all out debate is avoided at all cost. This causes problems for us politically and socially because we can never talk about issues and when we do, it's a knee jerk reaction. My favorite is always, "If you don't like it, then move to France." Wow. That's a smart comeback. It's sad that I feel I can express my opinions in a different country without having to worry about someone physically hurting me. People forget that this country was founded on dissent and that the more voices of dissent we have the more we have to gain from the discussion.

Crap. It's now a few minutes past 7am and I am still procrastinating. Off to packing...

Why you should listen to your fortune cookie...

Fri, 13 May 2005 00:05:08 GMT

At the last minute on Friday, I decided that my life would not be complete unless I went to the Chicago shows. I missed Vancouver because of those fucking asshole seal hunters when I was in Seattle and they filmed a video, which I would have been in. Hence, my husband and I are boycotting Canada because the Canadian government thinks it’s cool to club and skin baby seals alive for a few bucks right now so principle won over my need to be with my boys. Don't get me wrong-I realize that over 70% of Canadians disagree with the brutal slaughter of these seals but I figure I won't put my money into an economy that allows this sick practice to exist.

So for the last week, I have been bitching at home in Dallas about not going to Vancouver and almost spoiling my experience in Seattle with Bono. Then I hear they are filming the DVD in Chicago and that was it. Friday morning, I booked a flight for Monday and snagged a ticket from Ticketmaster for Mon and Tues. I leave for Chicago early (and I mean EARLY) and head out with very little trouble.

I get to the hotel, dump my stuff, and head out to United Center. By 2pm, the GA line is incredibly long and I am feeling a little disheartened because A) I don't have a GA ticket and B) even if I did get a GA I'd be so far back it wouldn't have made one bit of difference. I had to decide whether or not I wanted GA so I took the gamble and asked the box office for 1 GA ticket which they had! I bought the ticket and headed over to the back where the band comes in. It is a fricking mob and it’s on a major street with 200 people crammed onto a sidewalk and speeding traffic rushing by. I got there right when the Edge came out. My curiosity got the best of me so I snuck out in the front where someone shoves me INTO THE EDGE. Nice going, I've managed to scare the Edge. I apologize and back off immediately. He's not looking too thrilled-this crowd was a lot different than the Seattle crowd for sure. Chicago fans are so lovable but tough! They are a friendly and open group but just don't mess with them. To be fair, the set up was dangerous and pretty irresponsible on the part of the United Center, which is a surprise since they were excellent in every other department. I got pushed out into the street as well as about 20 other people. The problem was the DVD film crew was filming and people were getting way too excited. The crowd kept moving forward and on top of each other. So, the Edge signs a few autographs and leaves from what I can hear since I have moved to the back of the crowd. I give my camera to a guy sitting on some tall post above the crowd and let him go crazy with the camera.

Then Bono comes out and it gets quiet. That weird silence that happens whenever he comes out. It's like getting an audience with the Pope. I am still in the back because I have had my time with Bono and other people deserve a chance to see him and talk with him.

So that was it for me-no Adam, no Larry which means I have to drag my Unforgettable Fire LP to Dublin in hopes that they will sign the album. Oh well, things could be worse, I could be in Dallas crying about how I want to be in Chicago.

I skip off to the GA line and don't make it into the ellipse. But they play the best show I have seen so far. I have to say they were SMOKING. They seem to be getting into the groove better and there are some improvements on the set list, which gets rid of the lull during the middle of the Seattle shows. I can't wait to see them in the fall because they will be hot. Maybe it was the filming for the DVD that made them get their asses in gear or that the crowd was rowdy as hell or possibly both. During the show, I had the misfortune of standing next to a real asshole of guy. He had been drinking and was leaning and pushing me. I didn't really care, I figured what the hell- I am not going to let this guy ruin my night and he's been drinking he needs someone to lean on-fine, I’ve been drunk on more than a few occasions. But this prick turns to me after a while and says you need to stop pushing. Now, I’ve been standing still this whole time. I haven't moved if he pushes I just stood my ground. This guy was such an ass that he was standing in front of his girlfriend and she was quite a bit shorter than him. But I let it go because I am alone in a city that I don't know very well and I don't have anyone to watch my back. I just ignore him and keep enjoying the show. But during the whole show this jerk is pulling my hair! It was unbelievable. In spite of all this hassling, the show was still amazing.

The next day I hang out with some really great people. We do the routine all over again- I go to wait for the band at the world's most dangerous intersection for U2 fans. I am on the curb and people start butting in front of me. They are standing in the street- mind you this is rush hour. Cars are honking at us and some chick tries to start a fight with a car! She's banging on the window of the car that is driving where it was supposed to be but she was in the street. People start to boo. We know if we aren't cool, the band won't come out. We wait for three hours and it is a beautiful day until the heat starts kicking in. The exhaust fumes were getting to me and its past 4pm. I almost decide to give up on this and then Larry drives up in a Mercedes. He looks ticked off; Larry is not a happy camper. So, I gave him a big grin and waved. He waved back but still not looking happy. He pulls in and goes into the arena.

Then Bono drives up. The silence comes again and then a loud eruption of cheers. The car stops and he gets out and talks to the fans on the opposite side of us. He spends quite a bit of time with them-enough time that it looks like he won't be able to talk to our side of the street. I start feeling hot in the crowd so I said screw this, I am going to cross the street to take pictures, which I thought would be a nice perspective that I didn't have.

As I move to cross the street, I look to my left and Bono is coming towards me. I reach out my hand. He comes over to me and grabs my hand. He pulls me to him and gives me a big hug and kisses me. I was not expecting it particularly since I hadn't said anything yet. So not only being there with him was amazing, he pulls a fast one to really knock me out. This time his face was cool and smooth. I wish him a happy birthday and tell him that he's the reason why I am an activist today. I am totally nervous again and this time it was worse because I am aware there are cameras filming all around us and I am completely surrounded by bodyguards, fans, microphones, cameras-its complete bedlam and chaos. He looks at me and says, "What's your name?" The rest of world just fades away with the sound of this voice. I tell him Joy and he sighs and says, "Let me get my head on straight to talk to you, Joy" in this mischievous, sexy way while holding his hat down with one hand and still holding my hand with the other. It threw me off guard and brought me back to the world for a brief instant but the world starts fading again. I tell him that he's the reason I am an activist today since I was 12. There's nothing going on around us-no sound, no commotion. Everything disappears-the cameras, the bodyguards, the fans. Nothing at all-it was quiet-just him and me. I will always think of Bono like snow falling before it becomes a blizzard-that heavy thick snow that's warm to the touch and is made of giant snowflakes. Or maybe it’s the sound of the ocean or the quiet sound you hear when you're out in the woods. The quiet that is so loud that you can't hear anything else but silence. I start to say something else but I find I can't speak anymore-I want to say so much more.

I just looked at him for a second and asked him if I could take a picture with him. He says of course you can. But my camera is around my neck underneath my hair and my hair is really long and unruly. So there I am with Bono and his arms are wrapped around me in this big hug and I am trying to get my camera off my neck. I come back to the real world and realize I am wasting time. I am almost in tears because I know others are waiting but I have to have this picture. I am apologizing to them while they are trying to help me. Some fans were pulling the camera and Bono sees I am having some trouble so he starts to gently pull my hair out of the camera strap. Talk about a sight to see-a half panicked fan who's about to faint, more fans panicking because they want to help but get me out of the way, and Bono trying to untangle my hair from my camera. But he's still holding on to me. Between Bono and 3 other fans, we get the camera unwrapped from my hair and someone in the crowd takes the picture. It was hard to let him go. Bono disappeared into the crowd and left me behind dazed and confused.

I almost fainted on the sidewalk afterwards- I don't know if it was hunger, exhaust fumes, or simply that Bono euphoria. Looking back now, I'd say a dangerous combination of all three. I was shaking and high. I felt warm and fuzzy inside. How lucky has this been? I just wanted to cross the street and I picked the exact right moment to do it, which makes it even better. It was sheer dumb luck on my part.

I head back to the GA line giddy like a schoolgirl. I was talking to an Ontario fan afterwards I had met in Seattle (email me sister if you ever read this) and she says every time I see you Bono is kissing on you. We think it’s the fact that I look like I am 12 even though I am 34. He probably thinks I am some little kid that is a new fan and therefore must court the younger fan base. I can't think straight so I partner up with a complete stranger in the GA line. His name is Doug and if you are on the list, PLEASE email me.

We head into the building. I have a backpack on because it has my album cover in it but nothing else except what I usually carry my ipod, my wallet, etc. The bag is pretty empty. One of the security tells me I have to get rid of it. I try to make a mad dash for the door but he finds me and tells me that I have to get rid of the backpack or not go in. I am in complete panic mode and start pulling all of my stuff out. People in the line are yelling, its not a backpack let her take it in. People start grabbing stuff from me to help me out. My partner comes out and says we got in the ellipse! The security guy is telling me he is going to throw me out if I don't move it. So I throw my backpack down at his feet and go inside with arms full of stuff. Doug and I get our wristbands and pick up a camera for the photo contest. We head down to the ellipse and I can't find my ticket. Doug goes ahead of me while I search for my ticket thinking I dropped it. Luckily, it was stuck in a bunch of stuff. Doug is already in the ellipse and up against the front rail. I tapped him on the shoulder and he says I am glad you made it. He was so kind he let me stand against the railing because he is so tall and I am really short. So there I am leaning up against the railing directly in front where Bono's mike will be. Needless to say, I was still high from my Bono encounter yet deeply distressed about what happened at the GA line.

I realize that some stranger has my camera with THE picture on it. I leave my coveted spot on the railing to find my camera. I started yelling out to the other side of the ramp if anyone had my camera and someone yells out- Mitch has it! I look around which is silly because I have no earthly idea who Mitch is. His friend gets his attention and Mitch has my camera in his hand. He gives it to the bouncer who hands it over the ramp to another bouncer and delivers it to me safe and sound. So Mitch if you read this MANY THANKS FOR BEING HONEST. I'd have let you keep the camera but I needed that film.

I get back to my space and this very nice woman next to me said what happened why do you have stuff everywhere. I told her what happened and she said, here's a bag put your stuff in here. I am so thankful that U2 fans are so kind and generous but I have never experienced such friendly fans than the Chicago fans. As I am putting my stuff in my bag, I realize my ipod is gone. My heart sinks but I almost didn't care because I was still high on Bono. One of the bouncers overheard me telling Doug what happened and he tells me get out of here and go get it. These people will hold your place. I run out to the entrance where we came in and one of the staff people took me outside to see if my backpack was still outside by the door. It’s not where I threw it down. My heart sinks even more- I felt like a little kid when someone steals your bike. The guy who came out with me said wait here and he went to talk to a group of security guys who point out that my backpack is hanging on the railing. He brings it to me and its empty. I am about in tears but still feeling giddy from Bono. One of the security guards comes up and says are you missing something? I said my bag is empty everything is gone. He reaches in his pocket and hands me my ipod! I thanked him for being so honest. He didn't have to give it back, he could have kept it.

I go back in and my spot is still there. Rebecca on my left held my spot and Doug covered the back. You all rock! We had to sit through an excruciating long set for Kings of Leon. I feel for those kids-they know people aren't there to see them yet they are quite good. It just seems like an eternity when there on even though they are good. We've just waited so long to see U2 that its hard to listen.

Finally, U2 come out. This show blows the doors off the last show. They were on fire. The Edge was Jimi Hendrix, Pete Townsend, and even a little Jerry Garcia last night. Adam is a powerful bass player and so calm. He's such the rock star. Larry, on the other hand, didn't crack a smile once during the whole show. He still looked unhappy from the afternoon. I had a sign that said you are the reason I sing happy birthday. Bono saw it and looked at me directly and smiled-there was a flash of recognition and he went back into showman mode.

There are lots of reviews out there that are better than what I could convey but I’d have to say that the Monday and Tuesday shows rocked the house. They were by far the best shows I’ve seen and I can’t wait for the DVD to come out. We will not be disappointed- I was able to see some of the shots because the camera was directly in front of us.

The day before I decided to go to Chicago, we had Chinese for lunch and my fortune cookie says, “You will follow your heart’s desire.” Maybe I’ll take my cookies more seriously from now on.

Here’s the link to THE photo.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rangergirl13/13515501/